Momlando Note: I have to tell you that even as I started to write this post, I questioned: Am I tone deaf? Is this fair to write about? Is it enough to acknowledge your privilege and then continue on about your feelings? This current life is hard. At times I still find it overwhelming and unsustainable. I panic for friends that are out of work and now on reduced unemployment. I fear that the industry I work in won’t survive. I worry how many people who have been impacted by the illness and don’t know the long-term impacts. I recognize the gravity of the moment. And also, I am still working, and so is my husband. We have a safe home to quarantine in and have adapted as necessary throughout the pandemic. I’m choosing to write about our experience right now because it is our experience and it is real and valid.
Our first few weeks of school have gone by in a blur. And there are so many feelings to sort out. As every parent has, we had to make the decision that worked best for our family. I can say without a doubt the intense privilege we have to already be in a private school environment that we love and trust made our decisions much easier.
Normally, back to school comes with a little bit of a lump in my throat when I reflect on how quickly my kiddos are growing. This week’s back to school had that familiar lump but came with added stress and nerves. And I can be sad that it wasn’t a perfect nostalgic moment or I can be proud of how strong our family is right now. For now, I’m choosing to be proud of our strength.
The pandemic comes with the unique conundrum of everyday feeling like it’s Groundhog’s Day while also flying by. I can’t believe we’re here, in August, and still in the middle of this mess. But for our little family unit, we sure have come a long way.
Let me backup to our last week of ‘real life’. My working mama life was, as usual, in overdrive. In addition to my full 40 hour work week, I had three evening events to be at, a Momlando community event, and a happy hour with some girlfriends. I was determined not to miss important things in my daughter’s life amidst any of that. She had a field trip at the Orlando Rep to see Pete the Cat and I was there. We took a bus with the class, had a picnic in the park, and saw the show. It was magic. Then I worked late that same night, home long after bedtime.
Towards the end of the week my office, like many, was beginning to make initial covid-19 plans. I had worked late on Thursday night and didn’t get home until much after the kiddos bed time. By Friday, it was obvious things were taking some kind of turn. Not that any of us had an idea what was truly to come. My sweetie had earned a very special privilege at school because of her good behavior, a lunch pass for me to come eat with her in the class. I was so excited. I picked up her favorite fast food and arrived in the classroom. We had a special lunch, I chatted up her friends, and I got an inside look at her sweet little life.
When it was time to go, I hugged her big and said I’d see her after school. She said, “You’ll be home for dinner tonight?” I said yes and she squealed. My heart absolutely ached. It ached because sometimes it’s so hard to hear that they notice when you’re gone. It ached because I missed her (and her sweet little brother) too. And now it aches when I think of that moment because that was her last day of Kindergarten and by some tiny piece of magic in the universe, I was there to celebrate.
As it turns out I knew little of how much non-stop time we’d have together. The first few weeks went by in a blur of working at home with two kids and navigating uncertain times. We quickly found a routine and sorted out what worked for us: a morning check-in on who needed to be in the home office for zoom calls when, consistent snack time for the kids, time outside for water play, playdough – lots of playdough, and more screen time than I can comfortably admit. Our family had every meal together. We played uno at night, went on family walks every day, and within weeks had exponentially increased our family shorthand and inside jokes. In so many ways, it was the four of us against the world.
After a month or so, a few of my friends (mom and non-moms alike) and I started quietly texting…this is really hard, but the lack of busy is kind of nice right? The family time? The nowhere to be? I was relieved to hear others say it too.
The only person I truly have control and agency over in this huge problematic world is me. I’ve also found peace in knowing that when we go back to ‘real life’ I can choose a less hurried, more intentional pace. I won’t be going back to over scheduled, overworked, and overpromising every aspect of my life. I am finding peace where I can each and every day. We are back to school not back to normal, and I’m okay with that.
