Today we’re shining a light on one of the lesser talked about sides of motherhood. The struggle to become a mother. In this guest post from Kara Edwards of the Starfish Infertility Foundation, we’ll hear her story and what her family is doing now to help couples trying to conceive. We’ve also got some tips and tricks on what to say (and more importantly not to say) to a friend struggling with infertility.
Meet Kara Edwards
Hi, I’m Kara, the founder of the Starfish Infertility Foundation, and I personally know the heartache of infertility all to well. Through sharing my story, I hope to bring awareness and support to others who may have a loved one experiencing it or maybe they are going through it themselves.
In the very beginning of our infertility struggle, I was an open book. I told anyone and everyone what we were going through. Why? I guess because I was naive enough to think that it would be a short struggle. In the years that followed, I began building walls and shutting people out from what was going on. It wasn’t that I didn’t want people to know, it just became debilitating every time I “failed” to face the questions. Plus, it didn’t help that I didn’t really have any answers.
With each passing “sorry it didn’t work” phone call I received, the feelings of embarrassment and disappointment mounted. I mean, women have babies, that’s what they DO! I buried my feelings of resentment toward my body and wondered what I had done so wrong that I was being subjected to walking this path. I cursed under my breath when people gave me their words of wisdom. “If it’s meant to be, it will” or “just relax” or “my sister’s best friend’s cousin’s wife gave up trying and got pregnant naturally.” My all-time favorite was “Everything happens for a reason.” I knew they meant well, but what I really wanted to do was scream obscenities at them at the top of my lungs.
In June of 2013, after four intrauterine inseminations as well as four In Vetro Fertilization (IVF) procedures, our prayers were answered. Our blessings came in the form of our boy/girl twins Braxton and Bexleigh! We have since dedicated ourselves to raising money and awareness for a disease that many keep hidden from the world. While I hated every injection I took, I’m also truly grateful for each and every one. Not just because it gave me what I always wanted in motherhood, but something else I didn’t know I was looking for—a purpose.
About the Starfish Infertility Foundation
My husband and I founded the foundation in 2015. Since our insurance did not offer any sort of provision for infertility, the burden of having a child of our own fell on our shoulders, as it does for so many. We had been told pregnancy was an “elective” procedure, not treating something life-threatening and therefore not covered. We spent well over $100,000 creating our family. An amount we know most people would not be able to afford. We have been extremely open regarding our struggles and many have contacted us with their infertility stories and need for additional funds not covered by their insurance company.
Starfish Infertility Foundation is a nonprofit group committed to providing financial support for those struggling with infertility in the United States. Starfish awards grants to couples that do not have an infertility provision through their insurance, nor the financial resources to pay for infertility treatments.
Bexleigh & Braxton Grant Programs
The Bexleigh Grant is awarded to couples living in and around (within 50 miles of) Nashville who are uninsured for fertility treatments and without the financial resources to personally fund treatments.
The Braxton Grant is awarded to couples living in the United States who are uninsured for fertility treatments and without the financial resources to personally fund treatments. Both grants can be used toward fertility treatment at any fertility clinic that is a member of the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART).
Discussing Infertility
Infertility is way more common than we realize, 1 in 8 couples struggle to conceive. This number may seem off, you may be thinking to yourself, “I don’t have any friends dealing with infertility, and I have a lot of friends.” Infertility is heartbreaking, painful, and for some embarrassing. The truth is, many women choose to keep it to themselves. There are all different reasons a woman may choose not to discuss it and often it’s that what people have to say in return can be hurtful instead of helpful.
Friends don’t mean to hurt friends struggling. They usually think they are responding in some sort of uplifting, compassionate, or supportive way, but unfortunately it doesn’t feel that way to someone who is struggling to conceive. To make things easier we put together a list of things to say and in more importantly…not say!
Things NOT to Say to a Friend Struggling with Infertility:
Unfortunately, the list of things could be endless. We don’t say this to scare you or make you think staying silent is the best route. It’s not! This list will give you an idea of what to avoid saying.
- Just relax, it will happen.
- You can always just adopt.
- Have you really been trying, like really trying?
- My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!
- Think of all the free time you have without kids.
- Think of all the money you are saving without kids.
- You can always babysit my kids.
- You’re so young, you have plenty of time.
- You are getting older, maybe you waited too long.
- There are always people going through something worse.
Okay, but then what can you say to help a friend struggling with infertility? We’ve got some tips for that too.
Things TO Say to A Friend Struggling with Infertility:
- “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Be real, be there, let them hear it in your voice that you really are sorry, and you’re not just saying so because you should.
- “What can I do to help?”
More than likely they are tired and overwhelmed with even everyday life tasks at this point. You can run an errand for them or bring by dinner. Or they may ask for something bigger like for you to be a backup support partner if their spouse has to miss an appointment.
- “I’d love to talk about it with you when you’re ready.”
Infertility can be a lonely journey, especially if they’re not publicly announcing it. They might just need that one person to talk about it with other than their spouse and knowing your available will mean the world.
- “I wish I had all the words to comfort you.”
This is absolutely okay to say. They will not be shocked that you don’t know exactly what to say. It shows you care without risking some word vomit that could potentially be said that leaves you wishing you could take it back.
We don’t always know what our friends are going through. Even if you do know they are dealing with infertility it is a subject that is very painful. If you’re able to extend a thoughtful word or concern, they will truly appreciate and find comfort in you. Most importantly continue to be the friend they know and love!
