Are you having some big feelings? That’s something we say in our house quite a bit. It works for frustration, exhaustion, sadness, and anger. And it’s great for adults and kids all the same. We try very hard in our house to not walk away from our kiddos during a tantrum (though I admit we sometimes still do) and to be there with them through their big feelings. Because being a little kid is very hard in a very big world. Even though they can talk up a storm, and count to 102, they can’t tell us all the things. They can’t process all the things. And sometimes, they just need to meltdown. So we sit together during big feelings, give hugs if they need it, and try to help them have the words for what big feelings are going on.
And you know who at the end of the day really keeps me on track with this? Elsa. Yes, Queen Elsa of of Arendelle. Sweet little kiddo Elsa had magic powers, she could make snow and ice. How neat! What a special skill to add to her preschool applications. Well she gets it wrong one time and hurts her sister. We know this is bad, but accidents happen, right? Wrong. From here on out we see a sequence of Elsa becoming isolated in her room and becoming ever more fearful of herself.
Her dad even gives her a nice mantra, conceal don’t feel, to help her through things. But hello? Don’t feel? Conceal? Bottle it all up and keep it inside. It’s a time bomb waiting to happen. No wonder down the road she freezes the whole dang fjord.
There’s a part at the beginning of ‘Let it Go’ where she sums it all up. She tried so hard to be the good girl she was supposed to be and not have big feelings. And now here she is, letting it all out for the world to see and feel. It’s long overdue and extra intense.
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Without the big ol’ fjord freezing meltdown, we wouldn’t have Olaf, the ice castle, or the big marshmallow ice monster. What kind of movie is it then? But what if Elsa had been allowed to work through her feelings as a kid? Her and Anna would’ve had the regular kind of imperfect life where you mess up along the way and figure your crap out. I doubt Anna would be so inclined to marry a man she just met if she had some sort of normal loving home life and got to interact with her one sibling, you know like ever.
When things are finally set right in the land of Arandelle it’s because of love. The love the sisters have for one another and the willingness to be there to work through things together. I picture many future nights where Elsa is pissed that a royal meeting doesn’t go her way so she shoots off some snowballs, vents to Anna, and then ends the night watching Queer Eye for a good healthy cry. I bet you she wakes up feeling great the next day and ready to move on.
If we want our children to regulate their feelings, they have to experience and understand them. And sure that’s tough to watch and at times. It’s certainly incredibly annoying to deal with when you’ve had a long rough day yourself. But adults are grumpy and have big feelings all the time! If a co-worker is in a bad mood, boy do I know it. And I just sit there and smile along patiently. I resolve to do my best to do the same for my kids. And to gently help assign descriptors to their big feelings to help them understand.
Every once in a while my daughter in the midst of a meltdown will yell, ‘I am frustrated. I am angry, I didn’t get my way.’ One time she told her baby bro to ‘Take some deep breaths‘ when he was in the midst of a tantrum. And when she does that, I know we’re on to something. She is working through big feelings and letting them go.
