Do you have a golden rule for yourself? Though I always like the whole, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ as everyone’s golden rule. I needed a little rephrasing for myself. ‘Do unto yourself as you would allow others to do unto you.’ In other words, ‘Let yourself off the hook just as much as you do for others!’
I used to be plagued with negative self talk. I’d fall asleep thinking of a stupid thing I said to someone or thinking of all the ways I failed those around me. I’d overpromise things to friends, family, and coworkers to be helpful and show how my appreciation. These promises often turned into insane stress and work for me. I never said no. Well I did, to myself quite a lot, but not to others. Oh you need me to pick you up at the airport at a billion o’clock in the morning? Sure. We need treats for the meeting? I’ll bake everything from scratch. It’s easier for you if we meet at the most inconvenient place and time for me in the world? I’ll be there. And I begrudged people nothing. At least outwardly. I might make a comment or two in my head as I hand mixed scones. But I’d never learn and would just sign up for the next ridiculous task. Never mind that I’d never dare ask someone for a ride to the airport! Why would I inconvenience those around me?!?
So what changed? I hit a breaking point and utter realization that something had to change before I became a mom. Two days before my baby shower I was working on the most ridiculous, Pinterest perfect, thank you gift for my soon-to-be guests. My two best friends who threw the party (a gorgeous party I still smile thinking of to this day) were confused why I was making this…they’d be glad to have covered the favors in their planning. But I wanted to do something special to thank my guests. I bought mason jars to put layered purple ombre cupcakes in a mason jar. Need a visual? Imagine this in a little mason jar. Adorable, I know. And no I wasn’t satisfied to buy these. I needed to make these myself. I made thank you labels for the top of the jar. I went to Target to buy the jars. The trip to the store should have been my first sign I was not up to the task at all. I didn’t grab a cart (a trick of mine at Target so I only buy what I can carry) and grabbed two cases of the little jars. I was seven months pregnant. I couldn’t make it with the two cases up to the checkout. They were too heavy for me and I exerted too much energy before I got there. I had to put them down, slowly walk up to the carts, walk back and get the jars, then go up to the check out. I was exhausted by the time I got to my car.
I got home and had to leave the jars in my car to walk up the three flights of stairs to my apartment. Dadlando went down and got the jars for me. And I set off on my baking. While the cupcakes baked I made icing. You should know I had done this before, baked adorable cupcakes in mini mason jars that is. I’m no Pinterest novice. But for some reason this was not working. The cupcakes were a little too wide for the jars and had to be cut. And I was not thrilled with the shades of purple as the cupcakes cooled. I stuffed them in the jars. I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted. They looked awful. I needed to start over. This is where dadlando stepped in. Because re-doing 40 mini-mason jar cupcakes was insane. And they looked fine! But I did not think they looked fine. They were not up to my standards one bit. As I cried exhausted tears, dadlando convinced me not to re-do them. But I would not agree to give them out as favors. They weren’t good enough for my guests. We agreed to buy candy to fill the jars. Dadlando, my wonderful husband, scraped out 40 perfectly good cupcakes and washed the jars while I took a nap.
Do you think anyone had a bad word to say about the candy jars? Of course not. They were delighted and said thank you for the party favor. They would have been delighted by the cupcakes too. And I realized then that I needed to make my life a little bit easier. Lower my expectations, need for relentless perfection, and to stop overpromising (to myself and others). It has become my mommy golden rule. Sometimes I still make Pinterest perfect crafts from scratch. And other times I buy everything pre-made. I evaluate my stress level before I take on new projects.
I still do a little too much. I still say yes to others too often. But that’s part of what I think makes me great. I’m not ever shutting that off entirely, just making conscious choices of when I want to help or go a little overboard. It’s made my life easier and dadlando’s too. He hasn’t had to solve a mason jar problem in over four years.
